Laws of Fanfiction
by Kittyclaw
Summary: Oneshot. "Isn’t doing all of this breaking the laws of physics?” “This is a fanfiction. The laws of physics no longer apply.”


**No, I'm not dead. I've just started my first year of college (which is kind of like the same thing). But anyway, this here is a fic I dreamed up many a month ago, that took me until now to finally finish. If you've ever heard of the Random Plot Generator, then you already have a general idea of what I've done here. For those of you who don't know--the Random Plot Generator is a thing that spits out random plot twist ideas for an author who is impossibly stuck. Most of the ideas, however, are rather...absurd. So, of course, I used them in a story. This is the result.**

* * *

Sitting at her computer, staring at the screen before her, Kittyclaw found herself at quite a loss. You see, she was supposed to be working hard on one of her many overdue works of fanfiction, or perhaps tackling one of her beta requests. Maybe even working on that original story she had foolishly decided to try. However, not one of these tasks was taking place. What _was_ taking place was one forlorn author, slumped low in her chair, despondent gaze on the blank word document before her.

"I can't believe this," the author grumbled to herself, tapping idly at her keys with one hand, the other holding her chin. "Half a dozen stories in the works, and not a single idea for any one of them. It's not right!" she whined. "Just not right at all!" Suddenly struck with a righteous fervor, Kittyclaw leapt to her feet, about knocking her chair aside, fist raised in the air. "I'm an author!" she shouted, "I shouldn't be having trouble with ideas; they should be coming to me, begging that I write them!"

Kittyclaw stood a moment longer, holding her pose, before sighing and slumping back down into her chair.

"I need some help," she mumbled. With another sigh she clicked open the internet, making her way towards the 'favorites' button. Maybe a visit to her favorite Fanfiction website would enlighten her with a few ideas. When she reached her favorites however, her cursor found its way to another faved link.

"The Plot Twist Generator?" Kittyclaw read curiously, before her memory kicked in, reminding her of the funny little site RenaYumi had shown her a few months previous. With a sudden burst of hope, Kittyclaw gave this link a click instead.

A simple webpage popped up, on which was a single button. It read "Generate." Grinning at her luck, Kittyclaw returned to her word document, fingers flying across the keys now as she put together a quick setting—nothing flashy, just the woods outside Kadic—along with a couple characters. Always a fan of some good witty banter between friends, Kittyclaw plopped Ulrich and Odd into her thrown together scene.

Once that was settled, Kittyclaw pulled the plot generator back up and—with a grin about splitting her face—clicked the "generate" button.

* * *

Standing in the middle of a clearing, in what was undoubtedly the forest just outside his school, Ulrich couldn't help but get the strangest feeling he had been doing something productive—or at least not forest related—only seconds ago.

Which left the confused teen wondering, how on earth had he gotten to the forest? Maybe it was some plot of Xana's he thought, but since when could the evil virus teleport people? Unless it was a whole new power that he had kept hidden from the warriors!

GASP!

"Hey, Ulrich-"

"I'M ON TO YOU XANA!" Ulrich shouted as he whirled on the person behind him, only to find them to be, not the computer menace he was expecting, but his best friend and roomie, Odd.

"Uh, hi," Odd said, raising an eyebrow at Ulrich. "I was going to ask you if you knew how we got here, but uh…"

"Oh, sorry Odd," Ulrich said, trying to fight back an embarrassed blush. "I thought you were, uh, someone else."

As if both boys didn't know exactly who Ulrich had accused Odd of being. Odd let it slide however, being the wonderful friend that he is.

"I don't know how we got here," Ulrich continued, trying to push past the awkwardness that had begun to seep into the clearing.

"Yeah, me neither," Odd said. He was going to say more, when a sound like that of a balloon being popped came from a few feet away, at the edge of the trees.

"…what was that?" the blonde asked. Ulrich shrugged at him. The brunet then turned and slowly crept towards the trees, his steps careful, searching for the source of the sound.

What he found surprised him.

Sitting against one of the trees' trunks was an unfamiliar girl with brown hair and glasses, scribbling madly in a spiral notebook.

"Hello?" Ulrich said curiously. The girl's head shot so quickly that Ulrich was surprised it didn't give her whiplash. A wide, toothy grin split her face when she spotted him.

"Hey there!" she said, pen still moving across the paper even though she was no longer watching it. "I'm Kitty," she said in greeting. "You ready for an awesome fanfic?"

"A…what?" Ulrich asked. He was quickly growing suspicious that his original worries had been correct, and this strange girl was really one of Xana's specters.

"A fanfic," the girl repeated, her pen finally coming to a stop. She then reached around to produce from seemingly no where a large red button, emblazoned with a large black letter G. All of Ulrich's warrior senses went on high alert and he dropped into a fighting stance.

"What is that thing?" he demanded.

"….A button," the girl said as if it were obvious—and really it was—before looking down at the button curiously as she tried to decipher what about it was making her companion so tense.

"A button?" Ulrich repeated flatly, a feeling of immanent doom all but pouring from the innocuous looking button. And everyone knows how utterly infallible Ulrich's "immanent doom" senses are. Kitty nodded, setting the button down beside her and returning to her scribbling. "So," Ulrich said, leaning forward to try and get a look at the girl's paper. "What is it for?"

"What is what for?" Kitty asked, her head snapping back up as she hugged the notebook protectively to her chest. Ulrich raised an eyebrow, but let the action slide and instead turned to look at the button. After a moment Kitty followed his gaze until she too was staring at the button.

For a few seconds the pair simply stared.

"Oh!" Kitty exclaimed after a long enough period of time had elapsed for her brain to click together the question with the object she now looked at. "That thing! It makes plots."

"Plots?" Ulrich asked, still staring at the button. Kitty nodded.

"That's right, plots. Like for stories?"

"Stories?"

Kitty raised an eyebrow.

"That's what I said." She then grinned again. "Want to see how it works!?"

"Uh…" Ulrich said. That seemed enough of an answer for Kitty, who quickly grabbed up the button and punched it.

_**What You Need Now is a Cryptic Prophecy**_

"What was that?" Ulrich asked, spinning around with his fists raised, eyes darting every which-way.

"What was what?" Kitty asked innocently, looking up at Ulrich with wide eyes.

"That, that thing that happened when you pushed the button," Ulrich said, waving his arms about wildly. "There was a flash of white light! And a voice said something, didn't you hear it?"

"…Oh! That," Kitty said, suddenly understanding. "That was a scene change."

"What are you talking about?" Ulrich asked, still looking about. "Nothing's changed."

"Yes it did," Kitty said, scribbling something down in her notebook.

"No, it didn't," Ulrich rebutted, pointing around himself as if this further proved his point.

"Did," Kitty said.

"Didn't."

"Ulrich!"

Spinning around, Ulrich looked away from the strange girl to instead peer through the trees, trying to spot where he had left Odd, the source of his suddenly shouted name. He hesitated for a moment when he didn't immediately spot the blonde, and then started running back towards the clearing, shouting another "didn't!" over his shoulder as he ran. He only had to round a few trees before he was back in the clearing, the sight he found not quite the one he had left.

Odd was still standing in the clearing, however he was now joined by someone else, an elderly man who looked ancient enough to be Jim's grandfather. The man was dressed in a vibrant purple robe and using a walking cane carved to look very much like a pencil. "Take it!" the man was demanding, the bony hand not clutching his cane held out to Odd, who was attempting to ignore his new companion, to no avail.

"I said I don't want it!" Odd shouted back, hands held up defensively as the man lurched forward, arm still outstretched.

"You must!" the man cried, waving his fist at Odd. "You are in danger! Graaaaave daaaaanger!" the man added, drawing the words out in an obvious attempt to sound more frightening and ominous. Ulrich felt that the effect was lost on Odd.

"I'm sure I can handle it," Odd said, glancing to Ulrich and flashing him a 'help me now' look. The old man noticed the look and turned to spot Ulrich.

"You!" he shouted, turning and shuffling his way over to Ulrich. "You must take this! Your friend here will not heed my warning, but you! You look like a sensible young man!" The old man thrust his hand into Ulrich's face, revealing the folded paper clutched in his fingers. "You must take it! You must be warned!"

"Uh," Ulrich said, taking the paper from the man. As soon as he did the old man turned about and abruptly shuffled off, muttering to himself in what sounded to Ulrich like another language as he vanished into the trees.

"What was that all about?" Odd asked, staring at the spot where the man had vanished.

"I don't know," Ulrich responded, looking from Odd to the paper he now held.

"What does it say?"

Ulrich jumped, spinning around to find Kitty standing beside him, notebook held up and at the ready, watching him with wide, curious eyes.

Ulrich scowled at her.

Kitty blinked.

Ulrich got the vague impression that his annoyance was being wasted. Sighing, he instead unfolded the paper and gave it a look.

"It says…uh," Ulrich trailed off, looking at Kitty unsurely. She grinned at him and motioned for him to continue. "It says 'There will be llamas'. I don't know wha-"

"Brilliant!" Kitty cried before scribbling wildly in her notebook.

"Ulrich," Odd said, looking between Kitty and his friend. "Who is she?" Ulrich huffed.

"This is _Kitty_," Ulrich said, saying the name with a tone that clearly implied that he thought it was a fake. "I think she's insane. Or one of Xana's attacks. I'm not sure which."

"Okay then," Odd drawled, raising an eyebrow as Kitty's writing picked up pace. "So, what is she doing?"

"I don't know," Ulrich answered, shrugging helplessly. "Taking notes?"

"So, that's Xana's new plan?" Odd asked. "Send a crazy chick to take notes on us?"

"I guess," Ulrich said. The pair then lapsed into silence, distracted by watching Kitty as she continued to write. I was a good minute before her pen slowed as she finally caught on to the fact that the pair had stopped talking.

"What?" she asked, looking between them; an expectant look that neither boy could understand plastered across her face. "That's it?"

"…what?" Odd asked, looking to Ulrich. The brunet shrugged.

"Are we supposed to be doing something else?" he asked in confusion.

"Well, yeah," Kitty said. "What kind of fanfic has the two main characters just standing around staring? That's not exciting!"

"What's a fanfic?" Odd asked.

"Psh," was Kitty's answer. Odd looked over to Ulrich with a 'what on earth?' expression, which Ulrich answered by simply shaking his head. Meanwhile, Kitty was pulling a familiar button from her pocket.

"Not that again," Ulrich whined.

"Not what?" Odd asked, now hopelessly confused. How could he have missed so much when Ulrich had only been behind the trees a minute or two!?

Kitty ignored them both, giving the button a click.

_**At This Juncture Your Antagonist Arrives, Disguised**_

"What just happened?" Odd asked in confusion, looking around the clearing as he tried to find the source of the voice that had just spoken.

"Don't question it," Ulrich told his friend, coming over and patting him on the shoulder. "Trust me; you'll end up more confused."

"I doubt I could get any more confused than I am right now," Odd said.

At that moment a loud crash echoed from the woods to the group's left. It sounded as if someone had tumbled from one of the many trees lining the clearing and had landed with bang—and quite the string of colorful swear words.

"Hey!" Kitty screamed in the general direction of the noise, "This is a K fic! No swearing!"

"What is going on?" a voice shouted back from the trees. A few moments later a person appeared at the point where the voice had come from, looking very much like they had been thrown from a tree. To the trio's surprise, the person was wearing a large, glittery red and gold butterfly mask.

"What the-?" the person muttered as they reached up and pulled the mask off. They then scowled at it for a moment before tossing it aside into the bushes.

"Because we need more people we don't know stumbling in here," Ulrich muttered, while Odd took a step towards the new person, a pale gangly teen with scruffy black hair.

"Who're you?" he asked, eyeing the boy warily. At being addressed the boy immediately stood taller, turning to scowl empirically at Odd. The boy's eyebrow's rose when he realized whom it was he was glaring at.

"You?" he said, brow furrowing, "What are you doing here? I have done nothing to your world today to bring you to Lyoko."

"….what?" Odd asked. A second later he noticed the boy's shirt—black, with red lettering that spelled out "Xana"—and about fell over laughing. Whoever this crazy Kitty girl was, she had just made Odd's day perfect. Odd didn't think he could imagine anything quite as hilarious as a pubescent Xana if his life depended upon it.

"This is great," he said, turning to grin at Ulrich, who had also just noticed the identity of their new guest.

"Uh, Xana," Ulrich said, also struggling to hold back laughter, "_we're_ not on Lyoko. _You're_ on earth."

"I am not," Xana said, brow furrowing deeper. "I was just…" Xana trailed off as he caught sight of the arms hanging at his sides. He stared at them for a moment, and then, very slowly, began to move them. His red eyes went wide. "What kind of evil is this?" he shouted, stumbling backwards. Odd snorted.

"Actually, we thought it was yours," he said. When Xana looked at him in confusion, Odd pointed to Kitty standing a few feet away, once again scribbling rapidly.

"…What is it?" Xana asked, wrinkling his nose at the girl. Ulrich shrugged.

"We don't really know."

"She is not one of you?" Xana asked. Odd and Ulrich shook their heads. "Ah."

"Mhm," Odd hummed.

"Yep," Ulrich added.

"Lame," Kitty huffed, scowling at the three boys.

"What?" Xana asked. Kitty sighed.

"Okay guys, you've really got to stop saying 'what' all the time. It's making for some very repetitive dialogue."

"What are you talking about?' Ulrich asked, exasperated. Kitty sighed again, this one loud and very over dramatic.

"I see that this plot has run its course," she said, once more pulling out her red button.

"What's that?" Xana asked, pointing.

"You don't want to know," Ulrich said, slumping with defeat. Odd put an arm around his shoulder.

"Hey, maybe someone cool will show up this time!"

Ulrich rolled his eyes as Kitty gave the button a click.

_**What You Need Now is a Blizzard**_

The explosion of snow that suddenly filled the clearing was in no way what the boys were expecting, and they were therefore not braced with all limbs around the trunk of a tree like Kitty; which resulted in the boys being blasted about by the snow like those little plastic flakes in a shaken snow globe.

Which wasn't nearly as fun as it sounded.

Suddenly finding himself buried under a snow drift, Ulrich was understandably not amused. Thrashing his arms and legs about crazily, he struggled his way to the surface of the snow. He continued to thrash about when he reached air, flailing about in the snow for a few more seconds before he realized he was free of the sudden snowfall and was now simply rolling around on the ground.

And standing over him, watching with a look of undisguised disgust was the teenage incarnation of his enemy.

"How such pathetically weak creatures as your selves have managed to elude my destructive grasp for so long is beyond me," Xana sneered. Ulrich scowled at him and then climbed to his feet, brushing snow from his clothes.

"No one asked you," he said, scowling at the surly looking teen. Xana's response was a rather eerie grin. Ulrich was surprised that the boy didn't have fangs.

"Ulrich!" Odd's muffled voice called, serving to distract the brunet from his enemy.

"Odd?" Ulrich called, looking around for his friend. "Where are you?"

"Over here!" Odd yelled. Ulrich continued to look around in confusion.

"Where's 'over here'?" he shouted.

"_Here!_" Odd shouted back. Ulrich continued to look around, his searching becoming rather frantic.

"I don't see you!" he yelled.

Behind him, Xana's palm made contact with his forehead.

"Over there, you moronic sack of flesh!" he shouted, pointing off to the left. Ulrich spun around to look.

A few feet away, in the center of the snow filled clearing; a pair of familiar legs was sticking up from the snow.

"Odd!" Ulrich shouted happily, running over to his buried friend.

"Ulrich?" Odd said, his legs kicking slightly.

"I'm here," Ulrich said. "I'm going to try and pull you out. So don't kick me."

"Okay," Odd said, his legs going still. Ulrich bent down and wrapped his arms around Odd's knees, and then began pulling upwards, with much grunting and heaving to be had.

"Disgusting," Xana muttered; turning and walking away and towards the tree line. Maybe if he bashed his head against one of the trees hard enough, it would wake him up from this horrible nightmare. Or just kill him. Honestly, either option was preferable to being stuck with those two morons any longer.

"Hey!" a voice shouted, causing Xana to stop as it was followed by that strange girl from earlier leaping out from seemingly nowhere. She held her hand up like a cop stopping traffic, her expression stern.

Xana raised an eyebrow at her.

"Move," he commanded.

"No," Kitty said. "You are not going anywhere until I finish this fanfic."

"Move…please?" Xana tried. Kitty rolled her eyes, and then pointed to where Ulrich and Odd were now sitting in the snow, the latter covered in a thick layer of the white fluff.

"Go," she told him. Xana's eyes narrowed.

"No."

"Why!?" Kitty suddenly screamed at him, causing the virus-teen to jump. "You're ruining my story, do you realize this?" she continued to shout, holding her notebook up at him. "I'm supposed to have this thing finished by _tonight_ and I was doing _so _well until you showed up and now I can't get _anything _done because _someone _thinks he needs to go and do his own thing and steal the spotlight and I-"

"Fine!" Xana shouted, throwing his hands up in the air. "Fine. If I go stand by them, will you shut up?"

"I might," Kitty said. Xana sighed. It was going to have to be enough for now. So, cursing and muttering under his breath the entire way, Xana went and stood next to Ulrich and Odd. "Watch you language!" Kitty shouted after him. "K rating!"

"I will crush you," Xana hissed.

"Okay," Kitty said, once everyone was together. She then sat down, notebook out and pen at the ready, watching the group intently.

They stared back, unsure of what they should do next, and feeling uncomfortably like a zoo exhibit.

"Okay…what?" Odd asked, brushing away the snow that still coated him from the waist up.

"…Do something," Kitty answered.

"Like what?" Ulrich asked. Kitty shrugged.

"I don't know. Something that will get me a lot of readers. I know!" she shouted suddenly, making the group jump. "Xana!" The virus scowled at her. "Declare your love for Ulrich!"

"What?" Xana shouted as Ulrich cried out "Why?"

"Because it's _scandalous_," Kitty said, looking about shiftily. "You see Ulrich; you fall madly in love with Xana! But!" she added, raising her pen, "You're currently with Odd, who loves you with his _life_. See?"

"I don't want to," Ulrich said, while Odd pulled a face at the thought.

"I know that I originally thought this creature was one of you," Xana said, looking at Ulrich and Odd, "But now I take it back. You squishy, emotional beings could never be this evil." Kitty quickly scribbled down what Xana had said before turning back to the group.

"You know what this story needs?" she asked them, her eyes still alight with her excitement.

"Sanity?" Odd guessed.

"A plot twist!"

"Wh-?" Ulrich started to ask, until realization struck. But before he could act, Kitty was already pulling the button from her pocket.

The trio sighed as Kitty once again smacked the button, followed by another flash of white light.

_**Only Penguins Can Save This Story**_

"You've got to be kidding," Ulrich said, staring at the four dozen penguins now milling about in the clearing.

"Penguins!" Odd shouted, launching himself at the nearest bird.

"Can I leave now?" Xana asked.

"Of course not!" Kitty said, notebook still at the ready. "I still need a story."

"What if we don't want to help you with your story?" Odd asked; a penguin in his arms. Kitty's expression went blank for a moment.

"…The sooner you help me with my story, the sooner I go away."

Odd dropped his penguin, snapping into a military salute. "What do we do first?"

Kitty grinned. "That's more like it. Okay, so I was thinking, since you boys don't like my romance idea," the trio of teenage boys grimaced, "then I would just have to go with a different genera. How does action sound?"

"That works," Ulrich said. Beside him Xana nodded while staring at Odd, who had yet to drop his salute.

"Awesome," Kitty said, scribbling that down. "Okay, so I guess we'll start with something generic. An attack from Xana. What would you guys do if that happened?"

"Uh, we'd go to Lyoko," Ulrich said, elbowing Odd in the side. The blonde dropped his salute to protect his ribs instead.

"Go…to…Lyoko," Kitty was saying as she wrote. "Alright." When she said that, twin poofs of smoke appeared around Odd and Ulrich. The two boys coughed and hacked, swinging their arms to get the smoke away. Xana grinned.

"I like this plan so far," he said, smirking at the smoke engulfed pair. Odd and Ulrich glared at him as the smoke finished wafting away, revealing the two of them in their Lyoko outfits.

"Huh," the virus said, raising an eyebrow. "I feel like I'm having a flashback."

"What?" Ulrich asked.

"You can have flashbacks?" Odd asked at the same time. Xana rolled his eyes and pointed, causing the pair to look down. To the two boys' great surprise, they were both wearing their original Lyoko outfits.

"I haven't seen this thing in a while," Odd said, bending down to look between his legs at his tail, watching it swing slowly back and forth.

"Umm, Kitty?" Ulrich said, drawing his one sword and pulling a face at it.

"Yes?"

"Can we get our upgraded Lyoko stuff?"

"Of course!" Kitty shouted. There was some scribbling, more writing, another poof of smoke, and then both boys were standing in their more familiar outfits.

"That's better," Ulrich said, drawing his two swords and giving them an experimental swing before tucking them away, content knowing that his weapons were near.

"Hey, how are we wearing these off of Lyoko?" Odd asked suddenly.

"…Author," Kitty said, pointing to herself and staring at Odd as if he had just asked her for the color of the sky.

"Okay," Odd drawled, surprised by Kitty's reaction, "But that doesn't explain—"

"Author," she repeated in a tone that suggested the conversation was over. She then asked, "Now what?" as she bounced slightly with her excitement at this new found, working plot.

"What about Xana?" Odd asked, curiously, his last question already forgotten as he jerked his thumb at the teenage virus, who scowled at him.

"Are you going to Lyoko too?" Kitty asked the virus, tilting her head to the side. Xana stared at her.

"I _live_ on Lyoko."

"Oh. Right." Kitty quickly scribbled that down. A poof of smoke appeared around the computer virus.

"I don't feel any different," Xana said slowly once the smoke had cleared, looking down at himself curiously. His gazed jerked back upright when Odd snorted. "What?"

"Your shirt," Odd snickered, a wide grin splitting his face. Feeling rather confused, which was not an emotion Xana was fond of feeling, the virus again looked down at his attire. He was less than amused when he discovered what had changed. His shirt, which had once read "Xana," now read "Lyoko X.A.N.A."

"Funny," he said, his tone flat. "Very…funny."

"Okay," Kitty said, oblivious to Xana's lack of amusement. "So, now what?"

"Not to interrupt this flow of brilliance," Xana said with a scowl, "But if they," he motioned to Odd and Ulrich, "are going to Lyoko, shouldn't there be an attack for them to be stopping?"

Kitty stared at Xana, her face colored with lack of understanding. Xana, for one, was not all that surprised.

"I hate to say it, but he has a point," Odd admitted. "We should be stopping an attack."

"But there _is_ an attack!" Kitty announced happily.

"And what would that be?" Xana asked. Kitty pointed at the penguins still milling about. Xana's palm made contact with his forehead. "No," he said. "No creature this stupid will ever be a part of one of my plans. Ever."

"They're not that stupid," Kitty said. As she spoke on of the penguins walking between the group tripped, falling flat on its face. It didn't attempt to get up again. "Okay," Kitty amended when Xana pointed to the fallen bird, a glower on his face. "So they're a little stupid."

"A little?" Xana sputtered, looking aghast.

"I think it's going to smother its self," Odd said, eyeing the bird as it sank slowly into the snow.

"Alright, fine," Kitty said. "We'll just have to pick a different attack."

The red button was out and pressed before anyone could even think of objecting.

_**Clearly, it is Time for Easter Eggs**_

Suddenly all of the snow and all of the penguins were gone. In their place were eggs.

Lots and lots and _lots _of brightly colored eggs.

"What is going on?" Xana asked as his pants pockets suddenly bulged.

"I don't get it," Odd said, fishing two purple eggs from his spike of hair. Ulrich pulled a pink egg from behind his ear.

"Some attack, Xana."

"How is _this _an attack?" Xana asked, dumping out his pockets. The bright yellow and blue eggs tumbled to the ground and then rolled off into the grass.

"Maybe they're bombs," Odd suggested as he pulled yet another green egg from his hair.

"I like it!" Kitty shouted, scribbling it down. They three boys stared at her.

"You can't be serious," Xana said. He then scowled as his pockets refilled themselves with eggs.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Kitty asked. She herself had about a dozen red eggs poking out of her hair and pockets.

"Because they're eggs?" Ulrich tried. He took a step away from Xana as he emptied out his second load of eggs. Two orange eggs appeared in the grass where his feet had been. "Okay, this is getting weird."

"Yeah, a little bit," Kitty said, brows furrowing as her pen turned into a colored egg. "Well, let's see what we've got so far. Xana attacks school with eggs that are really bombs, so Odd and Ulrich go to Lyoko to stop him. And there, Xana reveals his love for Ulrich!"

"No!" three voices chorused. Kitty pouted.

"Fine. Well, what do you think of the rest of it?" she asked curiously.

"I don't like the attack," Xana said. "I would never do something so…colorful."

"You are so hard to please," Kitty huffed, attempting to scratch something out in her notebook before remembering that she had an egg instead of a pen. "Hmm."

"Umm, Kitty," Odd said, shaking his head to free another three eggs from his cone of hair, "can we at least get rid of these eggs?"

"Please," Xana added dryly as his pockets again refilled themselves.

"They can't be that much of a problem," Kitty said, looking between the three boys.

"They are," Xana said as beside him Ulrich suddenly yelped and then quickly shoved his hand down his pants to fish out yet another egg. Xana's eyes went wide. Odd laughed.

"Yeah, okay," Kitty said. "We'll try a different attack."

The boys weren't sure if they were happy or not to see the button emerge.

_**Clearly, it is Time for a Plague of Locusts**_

"What?" was all Ulrich could ask before the clearing was suddenly flooded with a swarm of giant, buzzing insects.

The mass of bugs formed an opaque brown-green wall around the group, their buzzing a deafening drone that made the group's ears ring. The boys all dropped to the ground to try and escape the flying insects, but it seemed that they were everywhere, flying into faces and getting tangled in hair and clothes.

And then suddenly the swarm parted, clearing a space around where Ulrich, Odd, and Xana all lay in the grass. Slowly, the trio uncurled from the protective crouches they had dropped into, carefully examining the space around them.

They found that, while they hadn't left, the locusts had cleared a bubble of space around the group. And standing in the middle of that bubble was Kitty, scribbling away in her notebook with her pen that was no longer and egg.

"I think I like this," Xana declared as he climbed to his feet, looking around at the swarm and nodding to himself. Ulrich rolled his eyes.

"Finally," Kitty huffed. "It takes way too much to make you three happy." She blinked when all three boys turned to stare at her. "What?"

"Can we just get on with this?" Xana asked. "I would like to be rid of you all as quickly as possible."

"As much as I hate to agree with Xana," Ulrich said, glancing at the human-virus, "I agree."

"Okay," Kitty said. She then blinked up at the group expectantly.

"Uh…yes?" Odd asked.

"…Aren't you going to do something?" Kitty asked.

"Like what?" Ulrich asked. She turned her gaze on him.

"Defeat Xana's attack!" she cried, causing the group to jump at her explosive enthusiasm.

"How are we supposed to do that?" Odd asked, eyeing Kitty warily. "We're not on Lyoko."

"Of course you are," Kitty responded, motioning to his state of dress with a wave of her pen. All three boys turned their attention of Odd's purple suit.

"Uh, Kitty?" Ulrich said, "Being dressed like we're on Lyoko doesn't mean we actually _are _on Lyoko."

"It does now," Kitty responded, pen once more dancing across her notebook page.

An explosion of smoke to the group's left had Odd and Ulrich diving protectively to the ground, while Xana took a few cautious steps back. Kitty, on the other hand, didn't seem to have even noticed the sudden smoke plume, her attention fully focused on her notebook.

"What did you just do?" Xana demanded angrily.

"Huh?" Kitty asked, looking up at him in confusion. Xana scowled angrily, and motioned to the smoke.

"What. Did you. Do?" he repeated slowly.

"Oh, that?" Kitty asked dismissively. "I made us on Lyoko!"

"You…what?" Xana asked. Kitty pointed to the smoke cloud, which was now clearing, revealing something truly unexpected—

Rising out of the ground, in the middle of the forest on Earth, was a tower.

"How…?" Odd asked, as he and Ulrich climbed slowly to their feet. "How did you…?" he trailed off, looking at Kitty with wide eyes. Kitty blinked back at him.

"Author," she responded simply. Odd sighed.

"Should have known," he muttered.

"Okay!" Kitty shouted, regaining the attention of the group. "Go!" Three pairs of eyes blinked at her.

"Go?" Odd asked.

"Go _where?_" Xana added. The virus's eyebrows rose when the girl's response was to sigh and roll her eyes.

"Where else?" she asked. "Go and do your thing!" She pointed to Xana. "You try and defeat the heroes," she shifted her pointing finger to Odd and Ulrich, "and you two try and stop him!"

The three boys glanced at one another.

"How am I supposed to try and defeat them?" Xana asked. "I have no monsters to fight them with."

"And we can't use the tower," Ulrich added. "We need Aelita for that." Kitty blinked.

"Oh," she said. "Right. Well then," she continued, reaching for her pocket, "you know what that means."

"I wish I didn't," Ulrich sighed. Kitty grinned, pulling out her button once more and happily pressing it.

_**Only a Car Chase Can Save This Story**_

Sirens blared loudly, blue and red lights flashing in Ulrich's peripherals. He could see buildings flashing past him on either side, road vanishing beneath silver metal in front of him. And he could feel the material of a steering wheel in his clenched fingers. He heaved a mental sigh. This girl was going to get them all killed before the day was out.

"What is going on?" Xana bellowed angrily, as Ulrich took in his surroundings. He was sitting in the driver's seat of a car he didn't recognize, tearing though the city of Kadic. He didn't have to look at his speedometer to know that he was easily going twice the legal speed limit.

And behind him, following in a pack so large they didn't all fit in the reflection of his rearview mirror, was a pack of police cars, all chasing after him.

"Go Ulrich, go!" Odd shouted from the passenger seat.

"Are you nuts?" Ulrich cried, directing his question at the girl sitting in the seat behind him.

"Don't question the plot!" she yelled back.

"Even when it's going to get us all killed?" Ulrich shouted.

"Ulrich, watch out!" Odd screeched, pointing out the windshield. His cries pulled Ulrich's attention back to the road, which he realized with a start was quickly turning into a dead end, nothing but an open field beyond. Ulrich's instinctive response was to slam on the car's breaks.

Which, to his horror, had no affect on the vehicle's momentum at all.

"The breaks don't work!" he screamed.

"Then turn around!" Odd yelled back.

"I can't, there's a bunch of cars behind me!" Ulrich shouted, "We'd plow right into them!"

"Yay conflict!" Kitty bellowed from the back seat.

Before Ulrich could figure out what to do, the car reached the end of the road, jumping the curb and hurtling out over the open field.

"This is madness!" Xana yelled as the car careened across the rough landscape.

"This is awesome!" Odd shouted back. Behind them, the two dozen cop cars spilled out onto the field, still following them.

"Make it stop!" Ulrich cried.

"Never satisfied, are you?" Kitty shouted back. However, her words were followed, for once thankfully, by a flash of white light.

_**At This Juncture, a Secondary Character Serves Lunch**_

Ulrich blinked, glancing around in surprise at the sudden change of scenery. He was now sitting at a picnic table, in what looked very much like the city park. Odd was sitting next to him, looking as confused as Ulrich felt, with Xana and Kitty sitting across the table; the computer virus looked like he had simply given up being surprised at this point, while Kitty was, predictably, writing.

"I'll probably regret asking this," Ulrich sighed, "But I have to know—how do you keep transporting us?" Kitty looked up from her notebook, her pen still writing. "And don't say 'author'," Ulrich added quickly. Kitty scowled at him.

"You know how I keep doing it," she told him. "With this." She pulled the button from her pocket and set it on the table. The boys all flinched away from it reflexively.

"Yeah, I know that you're doing it with that…thing," Ulrich said slowly, eyeing the button warily. "But, I mean, all this stuff your…button is doing, isn't doing all of this breaking the laws of, you know, physics?" Kitty's response was an eye roll.

"This is a fanfiction," she said simply. "The laws of physics no longer apply."

"But that doesn't make any sense," Ulrich replied. "How does a—"

"Ooh!" Kitty cried, cutting Ulrich off as she looked at something to her left. "Lunch!"

"What?" Ulrich asked, turning to look as well. He did a double take at what he saw.

Standing a few feet away, dressed in a flowery apron and supporting a tray that looked to be holding a couple of cans, was none other than William Dunbar. The poor boy looked understandably bewildered at the current situation.

"Hey William," Odd called, waving at the boy. "What's up?"

"I'm…not really sure," William responded, glancing at the tray in his hand.

"Hey!" Kitty shouted, drawing the dark haired boy's attention. "Lunch!"

"Uh…what?" William asked, staring at the bespectacled girl. She pointed emphatically to the table in front of her.

"Bring me my lunch," she told him. William stared at the girl in confusion.

"I think she wants you to bring that tray over here," Xana said, drawing William's attention. "So, if you wouldn't mind doing so?" he asked. "Preferably before she tries to get you over here herself with," he paused, eyeing the button still on the table. "_That_."

"Umm, Okay," William responded, making his way over to the table. He set the tray down, revealing its contents—four open cans of Spagettios, each with the handle of a fork protruding from it.

"My favorite!" Kitty cried, pouncing on the one of the cans. She then proceeded to shovel the noodles down her throat, being careful not to spill any on her notebook, in which she continued to write even as she ate.

"She never stops," Odd said, watching the girl with a mix of disgust and amazed adoration. He glanced back at Xana. "Are you sure she's not yours?"

"Positive," Xana responded, eyeing the can of ring shaped noodles and sauce William set in front of him. "Is this really what you creatures thrive off of?" he asked, poking at the food with his fork.

"Kind of," Ulrich said, as he was handed his own can. "There's other stuff we eat too."

"Like mashed potatoes," Odd chimed in.

"That sounds…appetizing," Xana muttered.

"It is," Odd said. "They're—"

"Done!" Kitty cried, cutting Odd off before he could detail the wonderful world of mashed potatoes to Xana. Setting her empty can aside, Kitty gathered up her things, looking at the group expectantly. "Shall we get back to work?" she asked.

"You mean 'Should we get back to torturing innocent beings'?" Xana asked. Kitty quickly scribbled Xana's question down.

"I'll take that as a yes," she responded.

And then she hit her button so fast, no one had time to so much as blink.

_**Clearly, It's Time for an Infestation of Goats**_

"Will someone tell me what's going on?" William demanded.

"Goats!" Kitty supplied happily. William scowled at her.

"Someone other than you," he snapped.

"Actually William," Ulrich said, glancing around, "she's right."

And she was. For, now surrounding the picnic area the group was in, there were about two dozen goats milling about.

"Is this for real?" William asked, as one of the goats wandered over to him and sniffed experimentally at his shirt.

"Sadly," Ulrich responded, shooing away a goat of his own.

"But…how?" William asked. Ulrich shrugged, watching as the goat at William's side began to chew on the hem of the boy's shirt.

"She claims she's doing it with that thing," Ulrich said, pointing to the innocuous looking button still sitting on the table. William blinked, eyeing the button.

"So, her pressing that thing made the all this happen?" William asked. Ulrich nodded. "The, pressing the button again should make it all go away, right?" Ulrich started to nod, and then paused, realizing what he was agreeing to.

"No, it won't!" he shouted, but it was too late. William was already reaching for the button, a grin on his face. Ulrich simply let his head fall into his hands as the white light flashed yet again.

_**The Scene Changes, and a Sinister Layer Attacks Your Protagonist's Sidekick**_

Standing suddenly back in the clearing where this whole adventure had begun, Ulrich thought, for one bliss filled moment, that William had been right, and pressing the button again had indeed fixed everything.

And then he heard the scream, and knew sadly that he was wrong.

The screaming was coming from the woods, off to Ulrich's right. Directing his gaze there, Ulrich watched with brows raised as the screams materialized into a man, dressed in a sharp suit and shouting at the top of his lungs, who came barreling out of the trees and threw himself at the nearest person—who just so happened to be Odd.

"Make it stop, make it stop!" Odd screamed as the well dressed man whipped out a briefcase, which he then proceeded to start hitting Odd with.

"But it's such a great plot twist!" Kitty cried back. "No one would see it coming!"

"I agree," Xana said, nodding enthusiastically as he cheered the man on.

"Give me that," Ulrich snapped, snatching the button in Kitty's hand and pressing it, praying silently that helping his friend was going to be worth whatever happened next.

_**What You Need Now is Gratuitous Sex**_

Not worth it, Ulrich decided, as his clothes vanished, the moment accompanied by an excited whoop from Kitty. Not worth it in the slightest. Sighing, he slipped behind one of the still present goats, the creatures having stuck with them through the last scene change. Across the clearing, Xana was glaring absolute daggers at the boy as he took shelter behind another of the farm animals.

And a few feet away, still sprawled across the ground from his assault, Odd suddenly realized his state of dress—or lack thereof. And, to the surprise of no one present, he leapt to his feet and, with a happy shout, took off running.

Standing in the middle of the clearing, Kitty took in all of this with a bright grin, and then began to write.

"And the romance plot prevails!" she shouted as she finished writing. "I knew it was genius."

"You've got to be kidding," Xana said. Kitty flashed him a sly grin.

"Well, it looks like I've got all I need from you three," she said happily, flipping her notebook shut and tucking her pen behind her ear. "Thank you boys, it's been an honor working with you."

And with that, she began to disappear, fading away until there was nothing left but her red plot button, which fell to the grass with a soft _thump_.

For a long moment, silence reigned in the clearing. And then—

"Is that is?" Ulrich asked. The boys looked around cautiously, as if expecting Kitty to reappear at any moment.

"I…I think so," Xana said slowly.

"Hey," Odd said suddenly, drawing the pair's attention. They quickly looked away, however, as they were reminded of the blonde's state of undress. "She forgot something."

The two boys looked back again quickly, just in time to see Odd picking up the red button from the floor.

"No, Odd!" Ulrich shouted, "Don't touch it!"

But it was too late. Odd's grip was just a little too firm, and to the horror of all three present, a blinding flash of white light filled the clearing.

_**Clearly, it is Time for Llamas**_

Ulrich couldn't honestly say he was all that surprised at finding the clearing suddenly packed solid with llamas. Again, there was a moment of silence in the clearing.

"Oooh," Odd suddenly cried. "So _this_ is what that old man was talking about!"

Ulrich sighed as he leaned against a llama, a realization coming to him. He had been wrong all these years. Xana was not the ultimate evil.

_Authors_ were.


End file.
